Every year at this time since 2008 I get a pit in my stomach. I get this anxious feeling not knowing how I am going to feel today,September 4th, the day our third daughter Sarah was born. She lived 10 months and died while undergoing a treatment for a horrific disease she had called Epidermolysis Bullosa. As I process all of this I think of something I was once told about grieving, that it is like a monster. You have to acknowledge it (I have tried to avoid it and that doesn't work) but you also have to be careful that it doesn't consume you. It is very delicate and that's why the pit in my stomach. This year marks what would have been her 7th birthday- she would have started the second grade. This is the part that is hard for me. I know the facts of where she would be at this time of her life, but I don't know what she would have been like. . I knew her as much as a mom could know her baby of 10 months but as the years go by that she is not here I struggle with what I don't know. I don't know if she would be chatty like her older brother, sweet with some sass like her older sister. I miss her sweet face, her eyes that were wise beyond her years, her reaching up and touching my face, her goofy smile. It's hard because I miss what I don't know and I miss what I do know- but there is something I am grateful for and that is the peace I've been able to feel. It is possible.
How? Well, time has helped (which I HATED people to tell me the first year because I was counting the days it had been since I had seen and held her). I have learned to trust myself. I didn't always trust that I could stop crying and be able to function. I have learned my triggers and different methods that help me through them. Today is a trigger and I chose to grieve but I also chose to celebrate the opportunity I have to be Sarah's mom. Today I celebrate her 10 months and all the ways I was able to know her. I am grateful that this experience has enriched our lives, despite the heaviness in our hearts.
After I wrote all of this I thought, what is my point to this... I don't know, except to acknowledge this sweet little lady and her life. Time goes by and people forget, I even have times that I don't think about her, but she does matter and her life has shaped our family for the good even though she isn't here to share it with us. Oh I miss her and haven't been able to write this post without crying, but again I am reminded of those times when her little eyes looked at me and she'd give me one of her sweet smiles.
Below is a video I made of Sarah and our journey- I love it because "You Are My Sunshine" was my song with her and I just love seeing her cute face.
This summer I decided instead of signing the kids up for camps we were going to use that money (and let's face it camps are pricey!) to explore different areas of Minnesota. Did I regret this decision.... yes and no. Yes because some days felt endless with the asking over and over about having play dates and screen time. No because... wait Yes I do regret it : ). Actually it was nice to feel really free this summer to sleep in, put the kids to work and plan different activities without have any schedule to go by. We did vacation to California and the East coast - Philadelphia and New York City but we were able to explore some of Minnesota. I still have more on my list of things I want to do but for now this is what we accomplished in our explore Minnesota summer:
We did a tour of the state capital which was pretty cool and the kids seemed to like it.
Nothing new for us, but we had to go to the Mall of America, especially with cousins in town.
Lake Calhoun with my sister and part of her family. We did a paddle boat and canoe and ate at the famous Tin Fish Restaurant. This is a super active part of Minneapolis, runners everywhere and a lot of people with dogs.
Again, we've been here but I love Minnehaha falls. It is beautiful and there are fun things to do with kids here. Climb rocks, rent bikes, cool parks, a splash pad, an area for the kids to play in the river.
Sculpture Garden in Minneapolis. We also did the miniature golf which was fun.
Minnesota State Fair. It wouldn't be a summer without going to the fair. We love the fair, well mostly fair food.
We did other things that I don't have pictures of like go to Stillwater- TEddy Bear park is awesome and I just love downtown Stillwater. We went to Lake Elmo many times, did bike rides to different areas, Afton (gotta love Selma's ice-cream)... I'm sure there is more but I can't remember. We are planning a trip to Duluth, which is on Lake Superior in September so I'll be able to check that one off my list. Below is more of what I'd like to see in Minnesota, not necessarily this summer, but soon.
(I need to give a shout out to Nanci Farnsworth who gave me a lot of these ideas).
Chrystal Caves (in Wisconsin)
Arboretum (I'm waiting until next May when they have thousands of tulips)
Hands on petting zoo
Fawndarosa
Badlands
Boundary Waters
Where the Mississippi River starts (yes folks it comes all the way up here)
I have so many draft posts that I have done... None of them were quite what I wanted to post. I have an easy time posting about stuff around my house, my lofty goals, but if I get too personal I hesitate. I am working on a balance between over sharing and sharing too much stuff about my not so clean house.... I will get there.
For now, I am sharing about getting in shape. When I first started this blog I was very enthusiastic about doing a pull up and getting in shape. It lasted a few months but that enthusiasm has worn off.... I was good about working out and eating well before our 2 week California vacation. Once we got on vacation I enjoyed ice-cream (Chocolate Malted Crunch) almost nightly... Since we've been home that nightly sweet tooth has taken over.
Glad they don't sell this in Minnesota!
Tomorrow I am starting an 8 week challenge. I weighed in today and let's just say all that ice-cream eating has caught up with me. I hate using a scale, the numbers don't mean much to me. I care about how I feel and look in clothes. Well, for the last few weeks I have been in complete denial with how my clothes fit- blaming the dryer for suddenly shrinking them : ). So it is time to get serious. I mostly work out so I can eat what I want. That has gotten out of control and I need some control of my gluteness self.
There is a group of 46 people doing it, all paid in $25. We are following this 8week challenge, with some small adjustments.
