Sarah's Birthday

Every year at this time since 2008 I get a pit in my stomach.  I get this anxious feeling not knowing how I am going to feel today,September 4th, the day our third daughter Sarah was born.  She lived 10 months and died while undergoing a treatment for a horrific disease she had called Epidermolysis Bullosa.  As I process all of this I think of something I was once told about grieving, that it is like a monster.  You have to acknowledge it (I have tried to avoid it and that doesn't work) but you also have to be careful that it doesn't consume you.  It is very delicate and that's why the pit in my stomach. This year marks what would have been her 7th birthday- she would have started the second grade.  This is the part that is hard for me.  I know the facts of where she would be at this time of her life, but I don't know what she would have been like. .  I knew her as much as a mom could know her baby of 10 months but as the years go by that she is not here I struggle with what I don't know.  I don't know if she would be chatty like her older brother, sweet with some sass like her older sister.    I miss her sweet face, her eyes that were wise beyond her years, her reaching up and touching my face, her goofy smile.  It's hard because I miss what I don't know and I miss what I do know- but there is something I am grateful for and that is the peace I've been able to feel.  It is possible. 



How?  Well, time has helped (which I HATED people to tell me the first year because I was counting the days it had been since I had seen and held her).  I have learned to trust myself.  I didn't always trust that I could stop crying and be able to function. I have learned my triggers and different methods that help me through them.   Today is a trigger and I chose to grieve but I also chose  to celebrate the opportunity I have to be Sarah's mom.  Today I celebrate her 10 months and all the ways I was able to know her.  I am grateful that this experience has enriched our lives, despite the heaviness in our hearts. 

After I wrote all of this I thought, what is my point to this... I don't know, except to acknowledge this sweet little lady and her life.  Time goes by and people forget, I even have times that I don't think about her, but she does matter and her life has shaped our family for the good even though she isn't here to share it with us.  Oh I miss her and haven't been able to write this post without crying, but again I am reminded of those times when her little eyes looked at me and she'd give me one of her sweet smiles. 

Below is a video I made of Sarah and our journey- I love it because "You Are My Sunshine" was my song with her and I just love seeing her cute face.